If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve had one of those days. You know the ones, the days where it feels like you’ve said the word “No” approximately four thousand times before noon. Maybe your little one is hitting, throwing toys, or having a massive meltdown because the blue cup was in the dishwasher instead of on the table.
As parents, our gut instinct is to jump in immediately. We want to correct. We want to explain. We want to say, “Hey, we don’t hit!” or “That’s not how we treat our toys.” It feels like the right thing to do, doesn’t it? We’re trying to teach them right from wrong. We’re trying to give them rules to live by.
But here’s the thing that might feel a little upside down: sometimes, those rules and reprimands are actually making the behavior worse.
At Pillars Behavioral Health, we see this all the time with the families we serve in Texas and North Carolina. Today, I want to talk about why we often do things "out of order" in ABA therapy. I want to explain why we focus on skills first and rules later, and how shifting your perspective can bring a whole lot of peace back into your home.
The "No" Trap: Why Reprimands Can Backfire
Let’s talk about that "instinct" for a second. When a child does something "wrong," our social conditioning tells us to provide a consequence, usually a verbal one. But in the world of behavior, we have to look at what the child is actually getting out of that interaction.
Many of our kiddos are incredibly smart and have figured out that a "big" behavior (like a scream or a push) gets a "big" reaction from the adults around them. Even if that reaction is us being frustrated or saying "Stop it," it is still attention.
If a child is craving connection or attention, a reprimand feels like a win to them. They aren't thinking, "Oh, Mom is disappointed in my choices." They are thinking, "Wow, Mom is looking right at me and talking to me!" In these cases, our "No" actually reinforces the behavior we’re trying to stop. It’s like trying to put out a fire by throwing a little bit of gasoline on it.
Understanding the "Why" (The Function)
Before we can help a child change what they are doing, we have to understand why they are doing it. We call this the "function" of the behavior. Generally, behaviors happen for one of four reasons:
- Escape: They want to get out of doing something (like cleaning up or starting homework).
- Attention: They want you to engage with them.
- Tangible: They want a specific toy, snack, or activity.
- Sensory/Automatic: It feels good or relieves a physical sensation.
When we focus on the "rules" first, we are often ignoring the "why." If a child is hitting because they don't have the words to say "I'm overwhelmed," telling them "Hitting is against the rules" doesn't give them a way to solve their actual problem. They are still overwhelmed, and they still don't know how to tell you.
Doing Things "Out of Order"
This is where the counter-intuitive part of ABA comes in. We believe in teaching Replacement Skills before we worry about enforcing complex social rules.
Think about it like teaching someone to drive. You can explain the rules of the road all day long: stop at red lights, stay in your lane, use your blinker, watch your speed. But if that person does not yet know how to steer the car, press the brakes smoothly, or recognize when they are getting overwhelmed, all those rules are not going to keep anyone safe. The "why" behind the rules matters, but first they need the "how." In the same way, we can’t expect a child to follow the rule of "staying calm" if they don't yet have the fundamental skill of Functional Communication.
And yes, let’s name the elephant in the room: this can feel a lot like we’re "letting them get away with it." If your child hits, throws, screams, or drops to the floor, it is completely understandable to worry that staying calm and teaching a skill first looks too soft. But that is not what is happening. We are absolutely teaching right from wrong. We are just doing it strategically. We teach the "how" first: how to ask for help, how to ask for a break, how to wait, how to say "all done," how to tolerate hearing "not yet." Then, once the child has a workable alternative, the "why" behind the rule has a real chance to stick.
We are not ignoring the "wrong" behavior. We are choosing the most effective moment to teach the better way.
First: The Skills
Instead of focusing on "don't hit," we focus on "how do I ask for a break?" or "how do I ask for a turn?" We spend our time in play-based sessions teaching the child that there is a much easier, much more effective way to get what they need than by using aggression or tantrums.
For example, if a child throws materials every time homework starts, we do not assume they are being defiant. We might teach them to say, "Help me," "One more minute," or "Can I take a break?" If a child hits when a sibling has the toy they want, we teach them to ask for a turn, wait with support, or trade for another item. If a child screams during a store trip when they see something they cannot have, we might teach them to request a snack from home, hold a preferred item, or use a visual to understand when the trip will be over. Those skills are not random. They directly replace the behavior that is causing the problem.
We want to make the "good" behavior (like using a picture card, a sign, or a word) work way better and faster than the "bad" behavior ever did.
Then: The Rules
Once a child has a reliable way to communicate: once they have the "skills": then we can start layering in the rules and expectations. It’s much fairer to expect a child to follow a rule when they actually have the tools to succeed.
That might sound like, "Hands stay safe. If you need space, say 'break,'" or "You may not grab, but you can ask for a turn." We are still teaching limits. We are still teaching that hitting, grabbing, and throwing are not the safest or most helpful choices. We are simply making sure the child is not being asked to follow a rule without having the ability to do what we are asking instead.
In other words, we are not lowering expectations. We are building the pathway that helps your child meet them.
Antecedent Strategies: Winning Before the Battle Starts
Another way we do things "out of order" is by focusing on what happens before the behavior occurs. These are called Antecedent Strategies.
If we know that a transition from the iPad to dinner always causes a meltdown, we don't just wait for the meltdown to happen so we can "correct" it. Instead, we change the environment. Maybe we use a visual timer, or we give the child a "choice" (e.g., "Do you want to walk to the table like a dinosaur or a robot?").
By setting the stage for success, we reduce the need for the child to use those "wrong" behaviors in the first place. We are teaching them that life is predictable and manageable, which lowers their anxiety and makes them more open to learning.
A Play-Based, Compassionate Approach
At Pillars Behavioral Health, we don't believe in "compliance at all costs." We don't want robots; we want happy, confident kids who can navigate the world. Our therapy is play-based and relationship-focused.
We know that for parents in Texas and North Carolina, finding the right support can feel overwhelming. You want someone who sees your child for who they truly are: not just a list of "problem behaviors" to be fixed.
When we work with your family, we’re looking to build a bridge. We want to help your child find their voice and help you find the joy in parenting again. We’re not here to just hand down a list of rules; we’re here to partner with you in nurturing your child’s unique strengths.
Created with Purpose
I’ve always felt that our work at Pillars is a calling. We believe that every child is uniquely and wonderfully created by God. They aren't "broken," and they don't need to be "fixed." They were created with a specific purpose and incredible potential.
Sometimes, that potential is just hidden under a layer of frustration and a lack of communication tools. Our job: and your job as a parent: is to help peel back those layers with patience and love. When we prioritize skills and communication over strict "rules," we are honoring the way they learn and the way they were made.
It takes a lot of grace: for your child, and definitely for yourself. There will still be hard days, and you will still accidentally say "No" when you meant to stay neutral. That’s okay. This journey is a marathon, not a sprint.
Moving Forward with Hope
If you feel like you’ve been stuck in a cycle of reprimands and escalating behaviors, I want you to know that there is another way. It might feel strange at first to stay quiet when your child acts out, or to focus on teaching a "skill" in the middle of a messy moment, but the results are so worth it.
By shifting our focus from "fixing behavior" to "building skills," we empower our kids. We give them agency. We give them a way to be heard.
If you’re looking for a compassionate, play-based approach to ABA in Texas or North Carolina, we would love to chat with you. Let’s stop worrying about the "rules" for a moment and start building the skills that will help your child flourish.
Remember, you aren't doing this alone. We’re here to support you, one skill at a time.
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