You're doing your best. You've read the books, attended the workshops, and you're committed to using positive behavior support (PBS) strategies with your child. So why does it feel like things aren't clicking the way you hoped?
Here's the thing, positive behavior support is incredibly effective when done right. But even the most well-intentioned parents and caregivers can fall into some common traps that accidentally undermine their efforts. And honestly? That's completely normal. This stuff isn't always intuitive, and nobody hands you a perfect instruction manual.
The good news is that small adjustments can make a huge difference. Let's walk through some of the most common PBS mistakes and, more importantly, how you can fix them starting today.
Mistake #1: Praising Everything All the Time
We get it. You want your child to feel supported and encouraged. So you cheer for every little thing, putting on shoes, finishing breakfast, sitting quietly for two minutes. But here's what happens when praise becomes constant: it starts to lose its meaning.
When everything gets the same level of enthusiastic celebration, your child may have trouble distinguishing between routine expectations and genuine accomplishments. Over time, the praise can feel hollow, and its power as a motivator fades.
The Fix: Save your biggest, most enthusiastic praise for moments of real effort, growth, or when your child tackles something challenging. For everyday tasks they've already mastered, a simple acknowledgment works great, something like "Thanks for putting your plate in the sink" rather than "WOW, AMAZING JOB putting your plate away!"
This doesn't mean you stop being encouraging. It means you're being intentional about when and how you reinforce behavior, which actually makes your praise more meaningful.
Mistake #2: Focusing on Results Instead of Effort
It's tempting to praise the A on the test, the perfectly completed puzzle, or the calm behavior at the grocery store. But when we only celebrate outcomes, we accidentally send a message that results are what matter most, not the hard work that got there.
This can create anxiety around making mistakes and discourage your child from trying new things. After all, why risk failing when success is what earns the recognition?
The Fix: Shift your language to highlight effort, persistence, and problem-solving. Instead of "You got all the answers right!" try "I noticed you really took your time and thought through each question. That focus paid off!"
This approach builds what experts call a "growth mindset", the belief that abilities can develop through dedication and hard work. And that's a gift that serves your child far beyond any single accomplishment.
Mistake #3: Using Vague or Generic Praise
"Good job!" "You're so smart!" "Nice work!"
Sound familiar? These phrases roll off the tongue easily, but they don't actually tell your child what they did well. Generic praise can feel nice in the moment, but it doesn't help your child understand which specific behaviors to repeat.
The Fix: Get specific. Really specific. Instead of "Good job on your homework," try "I love how you organized your workspace before starting your homework. That helped you stay focused."
When your child knows exactly what behavior earned the praise, they're much more likely to do it again. Plus, specific feedback shows that you're genuinely paying attention, which feels pretty great for everyone involved.
Mistake #4: Assuming You Know What Motivates Your Child
Here's a mistake that catches a lot of parents off guard: assuming that what motivates one child will motivate another. Maybe sticker charts worked wonders for your friend's kid, or you've heard that screen time is the ultimate reward. But every child is different, and what's reinforcing for one might be totally uninteresting to another.
If your reinforcement strategies aren't working, there's a good chance you haven't found what truly motivates your unique child.
The Fix: Take time to observe and learn what your child genuinely enjoys. What activities do they gravitate toward during free time? What makes their eyes light up? You might even do a simple preference assessment, offering choices and watching what they pick.
Build your reinforcement plan around their individual interests, not assumptions. When you tap into what your child actually finds rewarding, you'll see much better results.
Mistake #5: Fading Reinforcement Too Quickly
Your child has been doing great with a new skill. They're following the morning routine, using their words to express frustration, or completing homework without a battle. Success! Time to stop the reinforcement, right?
Not so fast. One of the most common mistakes is pulling back on reinforcement too soon, assuming the behavior is now "fixed." But new skills take time to become truly automatic, and removing support too early can cause regression.
The Fix: Create a gradual plan for fading reinforcement. Instead of stopping cold turkey, slowly space out how often you reinforce the behavior. You might move from reinforcing every time to every other time, then every few times, and so on.
Think of it like training wheels on a bike, you don't yank them off the moment your child stays upright once. You gradually reduce support as their confidence and skill grow.
Mistake #6: Being Inconsistent Across Settings and Caregivers
Positive behavior support works best when it's consistent. But if strategies are applied differently at home versus school, or if one caregiver reinforces behaviors that another ignores, your child receives mixed signals. This inconsistency can be confusing and may cause behaviors to persist in certain environments.
The Fix: Communication is everything. Make sure everyone involved in your child's care, parents, grandparents, teachers, therapists, babysitters, understands the behavior support plan and applies it consistently. Regular check-ins help ensure everyone stays on the same page, especially when adjustments are made.
Consistency doesn't mean rigidity, but it does mean working together as a team. When your child experiences the same expectations and reinforcement across settings, they learn faster and feel more secure.
Mistake #7: Waiting Too Long to Reinforce
Timing matters more than you might think. For reinforcement to be effective, it needs to happen soon after the desired behavior occurs. If too much time passes, or if other behaviors happen in between, the connection between the behavior and the reinforcement gets fuzzy.
The Fix: Deliver reinforcement as immediately as possible after you see the behavior you want to encourage. If you can't provide the actual reward right away, at least acknowledge the behavior verbally in the moment: "I love how you shared that toy with your sister! When we get home, you can pick a special activity."
Also, look for naturally occurring reinforcers, like peer interactions, getting to do a preferred activity, or displaying artwork, and help your child connect with these organic rewards alongside your intentional reinforcement.
Mistake #8: Not Setting Clear Expectations
Sometimes we operate from assumptions about what our child should know or do, without ever clearly communicating those expectations. But children (and adults!) do better when they understand exactly what's expected of them and what happens when they meet, or don't meet, those expectations.
The Fix: Establish 3-5 clear, positively phrased expectations and discuss them openly with your child. Instead of a long list of "don'ts," focus on what you want to see: "We use gentle hands," "We listen when someone is talking," "We take care of our belongings."
Make sure your child understands both the expectations and the consequences, positive consequences for following them and logical consequences for not. Clarity creates security, and security supports better behavior.
You're Not Alone in This Journey
If you recognized yourself in any of these mistakes, please know that you're in good company. Positive behavior support is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice to master. The fact that you're here, reading and learning, shows how much you care about supporting your child's growth.
Small changes can lead to big improvements. Pick one or two areas to focus on this week, and give yourself grace as you learn alongside your child. Progress isn't always linear, but every step forward matters.
If you're looking for more personalized guidance or support with positive behavior strategies, Pillars Behavioral Health is here to help. Together, we can build a plan that works for your unique family( because every child deserves support that truly fits them.)
Leave a Reply